Single vs. Singular: Maintaining Individuality Within a Romantic Relationship

Inspired by Book: The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want by Karrine Steffans

Karrine Steffans 

"You complete me." Many of us have heard, said, or even possibly felt the sentiments of this nonsensical statement at least once before. Often, it is said to some Joe Schmoe that we think would be our forever person.  After the so-called "honeymoon phase" expires, (which, by the way, magically happens with the swiftness of a twinkling of an eye and unbeknownst to us), this phrase can quickly become something like, "You deplete me.", according to Karrine Steffans, author of The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want, as well as many other women in the world of dating. 

The questions usually following are "what, when, why, and how did this occur and how do we fix it moving forward?" The three W's and one H.

WHAT 

Based upon life's experiences as well as what is covered in this intriguing read, firstly, as a single woman, it starts off as fun to be able to just go whenever and wherever you please; to have the ability to call your own shots, treat yourself, and buy yourself gifts. After a while however, it gradually becomes exhausting. Having someone to share your life with, to comfort you in times of need, to look at you with amazement, to affirm your beauty and innate qualities, is one of the best parts of life. We as women want to feel desirable. To feel worthy. To feel loved. In other words, we want someone else to VALIDATE US! We want someone else to make us feel sexy, smart, and irresistible. The big problem here is that all of that external validation ought to come from YOU! 

WHEN

Whenever you need validation from someone outside of yourself, you've handed over your power to that person. As Steffans put it, "You become a hostage, subject to their whims and insecurities. " Think about the TV shows and movies of long ago where the women's entire existence and/or identity could be hinged on the opinions and perspective of her partner. The age old question, "Does this dress make me look fat?", takes on a whole new meaning. A true vixen learns to validate herself; her strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes. She knows her worth and always adds tax! 

WHY

Perhaps you have some past issues; daddy issues to be precise. Maybe you were starved of attention and affection growing up and/or you were considered the black sheep. Maybe were affected by what I like to call the middle-child syndrome. Maybe you feel safer or more worthy when you have a man in your life. Let me say to you that everything you seek is already within you. 

I witness females on a daily basis who can barely go to the restroom or to the bar to order a drink without their gal pals. Then, there are the women who feel too uncomfortable going anywhere as long as their partner isn't there. Not only is this a very unhealthy practice, but if you are aimed at truly attracting your 'forever person', they will want to be with the real you. It is totally fine to call or check-in with each other from time to time, as it establishes clear communication. What is not fine, is for those "check-ins" to be used as a weapon of control or tactic of manipulation. A high-valued man really admires and desires a woman's independence to a degree. It is a complete turn off, as said by many men, to see a woman of his interest, in what Steffans calls, "a cacophony of females. A woman displays strong sense of confidence, purpose, and direction, when she is able to maneuver through life on her own. Not to mention how annoying and frustrating it must be for him to have to compete with what appears to be a gang of giggling hyena for just an inkling of her attention. This is not to say that having a social life is frowned upon, but rather that you do not need another individual to "complete you". You are already complete. Only your awareness of this fact is what changes the game. 

In a relationship, it soon becomes normal to start doing more of everything together. If you are not mindful of this, you will not realize when you have lost your identity. Your individuality. Your Self. It is important to spend quality time with your partner, but it is even more vital to spend quality time with YOURSELF! It is you being your authentic Self, that initially attracted the other person to you. Spend more time working on going within. Start becoming attracted to and developing a healthy relationship with yourself. This goes a tremendously far way in creating a high quality relationship that can withstand the tests of time. In order for this to happen though, it requires two people who already feels complete within themselves. If my cup is full and yours is too, then there only love that overflows. 

HOW

To do this, it takes small actionable steps that you must remain committed to. 

1. Stop changing your plans to suit your partner. They should respect that you have a life and appreciate that you have other people in that life who are important to you. 

2. Commit to scheduling the things that are meaningful to you and STICK TO IT! In other words, go get your life! 

3. Stop seeking his, or anyone else's attention, validation, and or approval. 

4. Remain committed to self-development and self-improvement. 

5. Begin to talk yourself in the mirror, stating how awesome are. Make this a daily habit or do it as often as possible. 

6. Pamper yourself regularly. Start taking yourself out on personal dates and buying gifts that you love FOR YOURSELF. 

Love yourself regardless of whether or not you are single. The depletion and resentment kicks in when you lose sight of who you are and realize that you have allowed yourself to be "swallowed" by this one person. Sadly, this person may even remind you that you chose to give up on yourself and that they did not force you into doing so. This is where many women go wrong and end up suffering irreversible emotional damage as a result. They not only let themselves go physically, but also spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and of course, financially. Be warned that if someone has to literally beg, force, coerce, or manipulate you in any way, shape or form, to devote 100% of your life to them, then they've got a far deeper issue than you can resolve and may need professional help. I hear many women say that there's a dramatic rise in the "hobosexual", who will take you for everything you have and then go on to marry someone else. Do you know why this tends to happen? It happens because usually the woman has poured out all of the contents of her cup into his, leaving hers empty. When he has already used the excess from his cup, when it's time for a top-up, she has no more to give. 

CONCLUSION 

Romantic relationships can enrich our lives and bring out the best in us soong as we become savvy to what works and what doesn't. Knowing who you are, in essence, knowing your singular self is the key. Believe that not only will you develop an unshakeable love for yourself but so will your mate.